The statement that we will never see from Barack Hussein Obama:
"I'm sorry. I was wrong. My policies have spiked inflation and tripled the debt while producing economic losses. My administration retooled how inflation is officially calculated, leaving out food and fuel. But you know that the price of these all important commodities is too high for a nation with energy resources and the most fertile soil on earth. We put the environment first, closing down coal mines and oil wells, transforming productive California farmland back into desert. This was not because there is a clear and present environmental crisis, outside of maybe some salamander somewhere being inconvenienced. We rely more than ever on foreign sources for food and energy. That's my bad, as the kids say these days.
And I have to admit, as much as I'd like to pin this credit rating thing on the Tea Party, and Lord knows ole Axelrod is trying, bless his heart, we all know this is my fault. LBJ tried to force the economy to win a war while providing huge expansions in social programs that don't work. He created fifteen years of stagflation. I have probably landed us in an even deeper hole. Hopefully a new Ronnie will help dig us out in a couple of years just like the original did in 1982.
This entire job has been overwhelming. Harry Truman once said of James Buchanan that he was the kind of man who spent twenty years trying to be president, but never figured out once he got there how to be a good one. I figure that he'd say the same of me. Like Buchanan, Harding, and a few others, I enjoy the perquisites of being president, but wish someone else had the responsibility.
So, once again, I'm sorry. I screwed up this country something awful. It wasn't in good shape before, but very few of you, outside of General Electric executives, are better off than you were four years ago. At the end of the day, I could blame George W. Bush, the Tea Party, rich people, or whomever. But the fact remains that the buck stops here. As my predecessor once said, I have been the decider. So the full responsibility for this crap is in my lap.
I would resign, but for the fact of, well, you understand how that presidential succession deal works. All of us know that there are a few folks who would be worse than me at this. Unfortunately, I decided one of them should be my running mate in 08. So I will stay in office, but work on nothing but my golf handicap until January 2013. at that point, I hope President Palin, Perry, or whomever can perform a Reaganlike U turn and correct all the problems I created.
God bless the United States of America. Thank you."