***Note**** Since this post was written this morning, Obama's personal push to bring the Olympics to Chicago has been thwarted. Republicans have responded by expressing concern over the expenditure of time and money in this cause while so many other problems remain unattended.
Time to look forward to 2012. We have a candidate and we know he will drop kick Obama through the goalposts of American politics. Let's get a short look at our next president and the Cabinet he will select.
President: Mike Ditka
One glare from Ditka's steely eyes and Obama will run back to Michelle, curl up in the fetal position and whimper. You say Obama is a great campaigner? You didn't see the Chicago Bears in 1985 then. That, my friends, was a campaign. His presidential campaign against Obama will look like a lion campaigning against a wounded wildebeeste. Ditka will windsprint the economy back into prosperity and send terrorists home crying to their mamas.
Vice President: None
Vice presidents are for wussies. Nothing happens to Ditka unless Ditka says it can happen.
Secretary of State: Paul "Bear" Bryant
Our diplomatic corps needs to get back into fighting trim. No striped pants boys in this man's State Department. he will take our foreign service out to the desert of Texas for three weeks, forcing them to do 217 wind sprints a day and live off of nothing but oranges and raw soup bones. Yes, I know Bear Bryant is dead. You know Bear Bryant is dead. But millions of Alabamans do not and if they can be fooled, so can most foreign governments who usually are not as bright as Alabama football fans.
Secretary of Defense: Buddy Ryan
He led Ditka's defense once and now he will do it again. The Germans think they know about blitzkrieg but they never saw the 46 in action. Buddy Ryan built the most fearsome defense the NFL has ever seen, the early 90s Philadelphia Eagles, around a Southern Baptist preacher. Who else do you want preparing our military to seek, destroy, and sack. Head of covert ops and special forces will be his starting strong safety from those Eagles teams Andre "Dirty" Waters (unfortunately also dead.)
Ambassador to the United Nations: Bubba Smith
Theodore Roosevelt said "speak softly and carry a big stick." Bubba Smith, Hall of Fame linebacker, can say nothing and carry nothing and still get his point across. Just wait until Ahmadinnerjacket or some other Middle Eastern crazy or Latin American Commie wants to speak at the UN. They'll see Bubba Smith standing at the door, arms folded, and just waltz right on back to the poor, desperate country they tyrannize daily.
If we can't get him, Robert Parrish from the Boston Celtics is a close second.
Commander in Chief CENTCOM: Pat Summit
The best way to humiliate a Moslem is to get his tail end kicked by a woman, especially a very scary one. Just ask the SEC. Pat Summit scares the hell out of football teams, and she is a girl's basketball coach! No better strategist exists in the sport and she will find a way to kick Al Quaeda's butt with fifteen young women on scholarship to the University of Tennessee.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Don Nehlen
Dandy Don, one of the great nice guys in the history of college football right? This Hall of Famer built one of the greatest defenses in the history of college football at West Virginia University in the mid 1990s. Nine of those players went on to play in the NFL, would've been ten if Charles Emmanuel had not been injured in preseason the next year. Most of them started and stayed for a long time. a few making All Pro. It led the NCAA in every statistical category you can imagine. It single handedly scared the University of Miami into mediocrity (I can't really back that up.) If we can find the old Don Nehlen spirit, we can get that southern border situation squared away right now.
Director of CIA: Mike Tyson
Yeah, we know, secrecy and intelligence gathering requires a more subtle spirit than Iron Mike. But the CIA used to actually go out there and find and kill bad guys once upon a time. We need the perfect model of a one man wrecking crew and no one beats Iron Mike in his prime. Can you imagine Tyson interrogating a terror suspect? The guy would talk in twenty-three seconds or after two knockdowns. How can you go wrong with a presidential administration featuring two "Iron Mikes."
National Security Advisor: Red Auerbach
This position calls for a cerebral strategist to contrast with the guy we picked to head CIA. You need a balance of personalities. Red, with apologies to Jerry West and WVU fans everywhere, was the greatest individual to ever contribute to the history of the NBA. A great point guard with the Washington Bullets, coach and president of the Boston Celtics. Just wait until the National Security Council staff and the president light up long victory cigars every time a terrorist leader gets sent to his final judgment.